Kicking the Habit

I dreaded it. I spent 3 months worrying and about the moment I would have to do it. How would he react? Would it throw off his temperament and completely wreak havoc on his sleep schedule that we had spent so much time getting just right? Would we have to start over? These thoughts kept me up all night. For months.

What is this terrible thing? Taking away his bottle.

We had done a bad thing and gotten into the habit of giving him his bottle in his crib and letting him put himself to sleep. I know, go ahead and throw some terrible parent points this way. So with this awesome little routine, you can see how I would be dreading messing a bad thing, right?

So we phased out the bottle. Cups during the day but still bottles at night, just not in the crib. We would sit up with him and give him his bottle at night with the light on so that he had to figure out putting himself down without a bottle with him. It only took a few nights and it wasn't as brutal as the original sleep training. Sweet. Now for the big one, no bottles AT ALL.

I was cautious and trying my very best to appear non-chalant as I handed him a sippy cup full of milk (that's right, no more magic powder!) with his dinner. He gulped it down (predictably). So there he is, full belly and sleepy. I conduct the rest of the bed time routine. Bath, lotion, PJs, book. Then I hold my breath as I put him down. He cries AT me, of course. I walk out and hunker down, expecting a very long night. So imagine my surprise when before I can finish loading the dishwasher, there is sweet sweet silence. Huh? That wasn't supposed to happen. But I'll take it!

So surely this couldn't happen 2 nights in a row, right? That was a total fluke! Same scene the next night. Put him down and five minutes later...silence! It wasn't a fluke! IT WASN'T A FLUKE!!!!

What does a mother do at this point you ask? Pack up every bottle and put in the cabinet I can only reach with a step stool, because I'm not pulling out those puppies for quite some time.

Now where's my wine?

Gavin's Birthday

I have a history of crawling into a shell of denial when I get scared of something. For example, when I was going off to college and was (secretly) scared out of my mind, I didn't end up packing until midnight the night before. That's right. I packed everything in the middle of the night. In some weird area of my mind, I figured that if I didn't pack, it wouldn't really happen. Of course it did and I was left unprepared and frazzled instead of prepared and frazzled.

Well, history has repeated itself over and over since then with Gavin's first birthday being the most recent example. While all of the other mommys were sending out invitations and planning, I was twiddling my thumbs. Why? Because my baby boy couldn't possibly be turning one already. Nope. Not happening. So why plan a party for something that isn't happening, right? Wrong. He turned one. It happened. You know what else happened? The day before the "big day" I went into the dollar store in a panic trying to buy up a few party supplies to spruce up the apartment so that I felt like a little bit less of a failure.

We ended up having a few presents (a beach ball, snacks, matchbox cars, etc) a cake and some balloons. Enough to get pictures and feel like something happened. So why did I feel like the worst mother on the planet?

There are some pros to having a quiet celebration of just us and my mom and step-dad. He's going to have many many birthday parties that will demand a lot of time and money. At this point, the party is for the adults and if this adult didn't want it, well, that's enough of a reason not to have one. Right? We went to a birthday party for a little boy that was born the same day that Gavin was and it was....perfect. Not too big, not too much fanfare and it was age appropriate. His mom and dad did a great job and we all enjoyed ourselves. I just don't feel it is something that I need to do or something that our family even wants. Oh and the above mentioned denial.

To summarize, denial + lack of desire = no big party. So what's with the mommy guilt? Gah, mommy guilt is eeevvvvillll!

Back on the Wagon!

I've missed blogging oh so much the past few months! I stopped because I barely had enough energy for my family and I didn't want to favor a blog over them. Once I figured more time in my schedule, I wasn't sure how to jump back in. Should I start a new blog? Should I come up with a big dramatic story to explain my absence? What do I say? How do I start again?

Like this......I'M BACK!

This Is What A Perfect Saturday Looks Like

This past Saturday my little family of 3 met up with Jenny from Sweet and Sunny Images on UNC's campus. I was super excited because I LOVE photography and just from looking at her portfolio, I knew she was oozing with talent. I'm serious. No need to kiss her butt, she already rocked the session out! Anyway, here I am walking with Gavin in my arms, Robert parking the car and I'm so nervous. No clue why. The second I met her, I felt at ease. Gavin of course always feels at ease. He broke out his smile before she could point her camera! We had a ball wandering all over campus for the afternoon. Gavin was such a trooper! I even pulled a bad mommy move by letting him sit alone on stone for a little too long and he toppled right over and banged his head on the stone. I know the wedding that was happening about 50 ft away really appreciated that. Luckily, his daddy had some food handy and the second he saw food, he was all "FOOD!!!!! Who cares about the bump on my head!!!".

So Sunday rolls around and I'm thinking how awesome it would be if she posted a picture or two as a sneak peek. She goes ahead and BLOWS MY MIND by posting a huge sneak peek of a ton of incredible pictures from our session. Seriously, Robert and I did a little happy dance! And this is just a few pics from the preview, ya'll! She hasn't even posted everything yet! Anyway, I'll stop yammering and post a few of my favorites. I'm sure I'll be posting a bunch more when she finishes all her editing. If you like what you see and want to see more, check out her blog!

Quick Thought

When life gets you down, remember this:

Everyone has their "thing". That want, that hate, that regret. I just can't believe that there is anyone that feels everything is 100% perfect. Even if it's that you're lusting after a new camera, a nicer kitchen or better family relations with someone. Everyone needs that feeling to feel alive, in my opinion. If not, then what lights your fire to do better?

If you don't have a single want or if you aren't wishing for SOMETHING that you don't have, then kindly take two steps back so that I don't claw your eyes out. :-)

I Refuse

Things that I refuse to apologize for:

- Having a drink or three after a particulary heinous day.
- Telling a white lie to get out of something that I know will make me miserable.
- Cheating on my points every once in a while.
- Letting Gavin sleep in my arms a little bit longer than necessary.
- Admiting I need my mom when things seem like they'll never get better.
- Needing one more cup of coffee to get my brain going.
- Popping a pill to avoid going over the edge.
- Being myself, flaws included.
- Neglecting a fledgling blog because life has handed me a real shitty hand lately.

Mommy Guilt

It's getting out of control folks! What is it about being a mom that makes me feel guilty for every single thing that I do that doesn't involve the little guy?

Every morning when I drop him off at daycare? Guilt (even though he cracks a big smile when we walk inside)

Every time the hubs puts him to sleep instead of me because I'm just too exhausted? Guilt

Every time I'm not doing something that directly benefits him (ahem, blogging when he's awake)? Guilt

Taking a sick day for myself? HUGE guilt.

Today is that sick day. I left work early yesterday because I've been in huge amounts of pain on and off for almost a week. I decided that enough was enough and I was going to the doctor. No surprise here, I have a kidney/bladder infection. I had been so busy that I didn't take the two seconds to put all the pieces together. "So that's why I've been so tired. My body has been trying to fight off a nasty infection. DUH!"
The doctor tells me to take today off work and recover. I think to myself that there's no way I could take another sick day. I need to save those days for when Gavin is sick. What kind of mother would take a sick day away from her son? Then I wake up this morning and I'm still in pain.

So there I am, stuck between my conscious and my body. After talking to the hubs, I decided to stay at home. I'm trying so hard not to feel guilty about the fact that I need a day to get back on my feet and let the antibiotics do their job. However, I just can't shake the "what-if"s. What if he gets sick later this year and I don't have any days left? What if I get sicker and need a day more than I need it today? SO UNPRODUCTIVE!!!!

What's you mommy guilt du jour?